There Are Better Ways: Supporting Parents Through Discipline Challenges

Let me start by saying this: parenting is hard. Really hard. And if you're reading this, you're already showing up and trying to do better for your child. That matters.

I want to share something personal with you. I was spanked as a child. My father actually spent time carefully crafting a wooden paddle specifically for disciplining me. That paddle sat on top of our refrigerator throughout my entire childhood—a constant reminder of potential consequences. Fortunately, it was never used, but its presence shaped my experience of growing up.

Now, after a decade working in behavioral health, I've had countless conversations with parents about discipline. These are good parents who love their children deeply and are doing their absolute best with the tools they have. I want to ask you to reflect on something with me, not from a place of judgment, but from genuine curiosity about our own patterns.

Think about the times you've spanked your child. How many of those moments happened when you were feeling calm, patient, and emotionally regulated?

For most parents, the honest answer is rarely, if ever. We typically turn to physical discipline when we're overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, or at the end of our rope. This isn't a character flaw—it's a human response to stress. But it's worth acknowledging that in those moments, we're not teaching our children about consequences or boundaries. We're releasing our own emotional pressure.

If that realization brings up difficult feelings, that's completely normal. Sit with those emotions for a moment. They don't make you a bad parent. They make you human. When you're ready, let's explore some alternatives that might serve both you and your child better.

Alternative Approaches That Work

Set Clear Expectations Ahead of Time

One of the most powerful tools in parenting is preparation. Before entering challenging situations—whether it's going to the grocery store, visiting relatives, or transitioning between activities—take a moment to clearly communicate your expectations.

"When we go into the store, I need you to stay close to the cart and use your inside voice. If you can do that, we'll pick out a special snack together."

When expectations are clear from the start, you can respond calmly when your child either meets them (positive reinforcement) or doesn't (natural consequences). This removes the element of surprise and emotional reactivity for both of you.

Flood Them With Positive Attention

This might feel counterintuitive, especially when you're exhausted and focused on managing difficult behaviors. But here's what research consistently shows: children crave connection with their parents above almost everything else. If the primary way they receive your focused attention is through misbehavior and discipline, they'll continue that pattern.

Try this experiment: For one week, make it your mission to catch your child doing anything—literally anything—that you appreciate. Staying seated during dinner. Using gentle hands with a sibling. Putting a toy away without being asked. Overflow them with specific, genuine praise.

"I noticed you shared your toy with your brother. That was really kind."

Many parents are amazed to discover that when children receive abundant positive attention, the attention-seeking misbehaviors decrease dramatically on their own.

Manage Your Own Emotional Response

This is perhaps the hardest skill, and it's one we all continue working on throughout our parenting journey. When your child does something that would typically trigger your frustration, that's your invitation to pause and regulate yourself first.

Your child is still learning and growing. Their brain is literally under construction. Even when their behavior feels intentional or designed to push your buttons, responding with calm consistency teaches them far more than reacting from a place of anger.

This doesn't mean you don't set boundaries or enforce consequences. It means you do so from a regulated place rather than an emotional one. "I can see you're upset, but hitting is not okay. Let's take a break and try again when we're both calm."

You're Not Alone in This

If you've been using physical discipline and feeling conflicted about it, you're in good company. Most of us are doing the best we can with the tools we learned from our own childhoods. The fact that you're reading this and considering alternatives shows tremendous courage and love for your child.

Changing patterns is hard. You won't be perfect at it. There will be moments when you fall back on old habits, and that's part of the process. What matters is the direction you're moving and your willingness to keep learning.

We're Here to Help

If you're feeling overwhelmed and need support implementing these strategies, that's exactly what we're here for. Sometimes having an outside perspective and professional guidance makes all the difference.

You've got this. And you don't have to figure it all out alone.