You Really Don’t Need to Spank

Let me ask you a serious question.  I need to preface this with a few things.  I am not here to judge, and I need you to be very honest with yourself.  I was spanked when I was a child. In fact, my father had me watch as he used all his woodworking skills to make a paddle with which he intended to hit me with when I was out of line.  Luckily that paddle was never used.  However, it lived on top of the refrigerator my entire youth as a constant reminder of what could happen.  I have been in the behavioral health field for a decade, and I have had this conversation a million times with parents who hit their kids.  My first, and typically last, question when I speak to parents is this:  How many times do you hit your kids when you’re calm, not yelling, not angry, and not frustrated?  The answer is always “never”.  This is all you need to know to understand that you are not hitting your kids to teach them anything.  You’re hitting your kids because you’re frustrated, and it gives you a release.  Take a minute and sit with that.  If you are having strong emotional responses, that’s fine.  They will pass.  When you’re ready to continue, we can talk about our options.  

Option 1: Set Appropriate Expectations

If you take the time to tell your children, prior to entering difficult situations, what is expected of them, then you can calmly reward or punish your child when they meet or don’t meet your expectations. 

Option 2: Overload Praise

It may seem counter intuitive, but your child could be looking for your attention.  A child with a desire for attention will often accept spanking rather than nothing if those are the options.  If you find yourself constantly reacting to inappropriate behavior, try overloading them with praise when they are doing literally anything you like.  You may be surprised that your child will independently do more to get positive praise.

Option 3: Control Your Emotions

If your child engages in behavior that would typically result in them being spanked, this is your opportunity to control your emotions.  Understand that your child is an individual who is growing and learning.  Even if they are trying to bother you, you’re going to reinforce that behavior by giving them the reaction they are looking for.  

I apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this, but if one person has been persuaded to try one of the alternatives, it was worth it.  For more information or personal consultation, contact Links at ben@linksbehavior.com